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Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold.

Jess: [driving to Russell's office while talking on the cell phone with Nick and Schmidt] I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's "Fight the Power."Jess: [to Russell] I don't go on dates very often.

Jess: (to Nick and grabbing a stick) This is a feeling stick. (Nick grabs the stick and breaks it in half) Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick. You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all.

And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. Schmidt: [about the new hipster neighbors] They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too.

There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson... Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Jess: [to Russell] That's where I live, and those are my friends. I left him in there with crayons and paper, like he's a kid in a restaurant, and I told him I had to check my fantasy football.

Jess: So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my God. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem? I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or—let's be honest—sexually. What if he's horribly desfigured and I have to identify him, and all the remains are his private parts? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the...

Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry officer, I can't help you, because, no, I haven't seen his penis", and boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.

So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body.

So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.

[hands Kim his 2007 New Year's resolutions] Straight from '07. And if you wanna get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down, I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. Jess: Nick, they got married too young, they got divorced too young. Angie: [to Nick, while discussing their relationship] You know, I've been arrested three times. By the way, you've been really cool about the Jamiroquai tattoo on my butt.

And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets. It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity: a panethnic, pansexual hivemind, and they want nothing to do with me. Here's the plan: we're gonna make my mom look so hot that my dad can't resist her. I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore.

Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa?

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